Chasing Alyssa
by Abra de Winter
Summary: Banky likes/wants Alyssa.This explains his every reaction throughout the movie, including his last
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Kevin Smith, so does some of the plot (The first part of it). 

The story is centred on Banky

I use some of the lines from the film because I'm trying to make a point. I read several slash stories, some of them very good, very moving, but this is how I saw the movie. I expect flames, but this is the way I see it.

P.S. Don't think I'm in denial! :D

CHASING ALYSSA

ALYSSA " How is it that you sound like Minister Farakhan when you're on stage..." 

Banky watched the beautiful blonde girl walking straight at them. Her fake-threatening air had an arousing effect on him. She was a tigress, not a pussy.

Hooper exchanged a couple of lines with the fascinating apparition, but Banky didn't understand a word of it. He could only hear her voice, her sweet, seductive meowing. He was hypnotized by her feline movements. 

HOOPER Holden. Banky - this pile of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones. She does that book `Idiosyncratic Routine'.

Banky tried to conceal the attraction and act all cool, so he said the first dumb thing that came to his mind.

BANKY I've read your book. It's cute. Chick stuff, but cute.

Holden hits him lightly. They're both used to this, since Holden acts most of the time like Banky's conscience or at least as his politically correct adviser. 

HOLDEN Sorry about him. He's dealing with being an inker.

Banky knows him well enough to understand from one look and 10 words that Holden likes the girl, too. And he could never compete with Holden. Leaving aside the 20 years of friendship, Banky **couldn't** compete with Holden. And he didn't believe in fighting losing battles. 

__

*But maybe she's different. Maybe she'll react to my dry humour, my cynical personality... FUCK! anything that goes beyond looks!*

ALYSSA Oh. You trace! 

At this point, he starts to hate her. She didn't say it as a joke. She knew full well just how much of an insult that was for him.

__

*Why did I just do that? I have no reason to want to hurt him so badly. I'm not a man hating dyke.*

When Hooper and Alyssa invite them to hang with them in the city, Holden acts on his attraction, while Banky fights it. 

*YES, his body screams with hate and desire. YES!! I WANT HER. SHE MAY NOT LIKE ME, BUT I'LL HAVE HER* His mind steps in promptly *SHE IS OUR DOOM. LET'S JUST STAY AWAY AND SHE'LL PASS*

Holden agrees and Banky understands him, as always, although the instinct presses him to stay out of the danger, he concedes the point to his friend. No matter how bad things get, Banky couldn't feel at peace with himself knowing he let Holden clear way to Alyssa.

He glances admiringly at his friend's perfect, standard beauty. Jesus, he's meant to be a fucking sex symbol!

~~~~ IN THE BAR, that night ~~~~~ 

The four of them make idle chit chat in the semi-obscurity. Banky feels the minutes going by them, while his lust keeps growing. To blow off some steam, he uses the only available way, getting into a debate with Hooper over Archie's sexuality. The sex themes are always predominant in his conversation, but tonight he is thrown in that direction. Alyssa's proximity stirs him to the verge of self-control. 

Holden is completely taken by Alyssa. He can still hide it pretty well, but his expressions have no secret for his best friend. Banky can't read the girl very well, she likes Holden, but how much, he just couldn't say. One thing is certain though, she's not into him. At all.

All Banky wants is to run her hand through her golden locks, pull her hair roughly and shove his tongue inside her mouth. He wants to blow her mind with one intense, wild kiss, to make her want him as much as he wants her. Maybe more. Preferably more…

Instead, he notices Holden's mesmerised look and jumps.

BANKY (to Hooper) That's it. You. 

Once he's outside, all Banky's hostility vanishes. He walks calmly alongside Hooper, arguing rationally his point. This makes it slightly less amusing for Hooper, who enjoys Banky's choleric temper. He relishes in their verbal duels. Those times alone he's a bit attracted to him and not to the quiet, solid, beautiful Holden.

But Hooper made his choice long ago. Friendship before sex. Always. He never wanted to endanger the excellent relationship he had with both of them dwelling on such thoughts.

Hooper's aberrant suppositions about the Riverdale gang take his mind away from her for a while. But the first sensation he has when they re-enter the room is _*She's gone*_. He sees Holden alone, with a dumb grin on his face and he accepts the cold reality. He was right, this was one of the battles he had to avoid. It spares a lot of heart ache. 

~~~~~ The Studio, next day ~~~

HOLDEN Bank-Hold-Up. 

Banky keeps working untroubled until he hears Alyssa from last night Alyssa?. His heart leaps and his hand freezes over the drawing for a second. 

Without hesitation, Banky gives up the Canadian melodrama and an episode of "Little House" for the chance of seeing Alyssa again. This could be the last time he sees her not attached to Holden, as it is in the nature of things. When Holden bestows his gaze upon a mortal woman, the poor thing has no way out. Holden never struck out with a girl. 

~~ After Alyssa's musical number ~~~

Banky is strangely happy with this turn of events. At least he'll never wake up in the morning and see her walking around the house half-naked after a night of hot sex with his best friend in the next room. At most, he was heavily turned on by the sight of the two gorgeous girls kissing each other just the way they did in his bathroom fantasies. 

The discovery that the whole club is filled with lesbians frustrates him a little. However, he can't help throwing a malicious comment at Holden.

Now that, my friend, is a... (brings his fingers together, mimicking Holden) ...shared moment

****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, it's not much of a story yet, but I'll work my way up. 

It can't get worse, right?

My respects for your reviews! (flames or not, the freedom of opinion is valued!)


	2. 2

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Kevin Smith, so does some of the plot

The words written between .. are from the script. The words _written in italics and between *...*_ are thoughts.

I used only the original dialogue because I don't feel worthy to change a single thing. 

Watching the movie from this POV was like the second time I watched "Fight Club" or "The Sixth Sense" and I hope it will have the same effect on people who read this.

****

CHAPTER II

__

*This is better than renting a video. Jeez, I should so need to jerk off right about now! Celibacy doesn't agree with me. If I would've got some this month I wouldn't be so fuckin' hard*

Holden knows Banky almost as well as Banky knows him. He knows perfectly what's happening in Banky's mind and body now. He hits him lightly, trying to stop his staring. He feels like punching him, for no good reason. He feels like punching someone. How could have he been so blind? The place is packed with women, sitting drinking and dancing together, but he only had eyes for Alyssa. 

Banky admits his excitement, to Holden's embarrassment.

BANKY Man, when are we ever going to get a chance to see this kind of shit live without paying for it? 

The words turn Alyssa on. She wanted Kim, but the idea of the two men looking at her… added a thrill. Still, she has to put on the game face.

ALYSSA Uh-oh - better knock it off: we're getting a man excited.

__

*Damn right, girl!* Banky's body is tensed with desire. 

HOLDEN Sorry. It's just... new to him. _ *I wish I could enjoy it as much as he does. C'mon, that's my final fantasy, why am I so sad? I only met the girl. It's not like she left me at the altar!*_

BANKY Oh, and you're an old hand at this._ *He's such a hypocrite. Like he's above this base urge. What does he think he is? A fuckin' angel? Just because he's not getting into her pants, he doesn't have to spoil it for the rest of us!*_

~~ Semantics…~~

BANKY You said 'fuck'. To that girl. You said you'd 'fuck' her.

__

*Bitch, I should fuck you, not sit here, drooling like an idiot* How can a girl 'fuck' another girl! Were you talking about strap-ons or something?

Saint Holden hits him again. He doesn't want to know. It's no hypocrisy, no posing, he doesn't want to picture this gorgeous girl going down on another woman, or that Kim girl eating her up, not to mention leather, or strap-ons, or anything else he might enjoy seeing in a porn video or reading about in Penthouse. Banky has the same background, so he voiced those thoughts, in a less delicate manner.

BANKY You know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse Letters section is written by guys - this is our chance to get the inside scoop.

__

*Not from her! Not tonight of all nights! She just reached inside my chest and scooped my beating heart out with a spoon!* Holden was writhing in pain. (to Alyssa) I don't know how many times I can apologize for him.

__

*Why should you?* Banky wanted to scream at him, frustrated. Luckily, Alyssa chose to answer his question. He hoped she was turned on by his interest and not disgusted, but he had no way of knowing. 

ALYSSA It's okay. Secretly, all I really want is to be the center of attention. (to Banky) I've never used a snap-on.

The images of her having sex with all the models in the Victoria Secret catalogue were racing through Banky's mind, filling his groin with unbearable craving. He wanted to take her right then and there, possess her on that table, for everyone to see. He had to find a way to get over this urge, but not lose this opportunity. So, he went on in a debate over semantics.

BANKY Then what's with saying 'fuck? Shouldn't you say 'eat her out' or at least modify the term 'fuck' with something like 'fist'?

Alyssa smiled at him. She had probably been asked this before. Or at least she had a lot of time to think about it because she explained it patiently, without getting angry, taking him from his own experience, his point of view, into hers. 

ALYSSA So for you, to 'fuck' means to penetrate. You're used to he more traditional definition - you inside some girl you've duped, jack-hammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.

This called for a witty retort. He spit out the line instinctively. 

BANKY Hey - I always notice the bored look in their eyes.

She acknowledged the joke with a sweet laughter. Inside though, she grew a little scared of him. His wit, his honesty, the feverish look in his eyes were touching a cord inside her. Her body reacted the same way it did in high school, whenever a guy was making her laugh, when she was meeting someone out of the ordinary, someone bold, someone not broken by the system… Someone like her.

She went on, out of sheer habit, words coming out as many times before, explaining him the way she saw "fucking" and "having sex", until he reacted differently again, setting himself apart from all the other people to whim she had spelled out this "mystery".

ALYSSA But I'll bet it's different with the ones you love. I'll bet you go the full nine when it's not just a quick fix - like you go down on them longer or something.

Here we go. Holden saw his reaction before Banky expressed it.

BANKY I don't do that.

He said that very serious. She liked it at first, because it gave her reason to hate him, instead of being on the verge of an ill-suited attraction. 

BANKY I stopped dropping. It got to be too frustrating.

It was Banky's turn to demonstrate his point. Holden tried to play the voice of reason in a situation that was clearly leading to a meltdown. But it was too late. Banky responded to Alyssa's supposition.

BANKY Not the smell - the smell is good. I'm talking about not being able to do it property. And my mother brought me up to believe that if I can't do something right I shouldn't do it at all. Of course, my father told me she gave lousy head, but that's beside the point.

An image of Banky, going down on Alyssa, grazing her thighs with his beard while his tongue was exploring her, learning what she liked, sucking her clit, making her come in matter of seconds, flashed through both their minds. 

Caught in the moment, Banky elaborated his view.

BANKY Chicks never help you out. They never tell you what to do. And most of them are self-conscious about that smell factor, and so most of the time they just lay there, frozen like a deer in the headlights, right? Not for nothing, but when a chick goes down on me, I let her know where to go, and what the status is. You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel - constant updates.

At this point, they found themselves on common ground. Alyssa enjoyed flaunting her experience, trying to get back to her reality, to reiterate her choice. 

ALYSSA Permanent injuries?

Her question brings forth a flood of memories. Blond, sweet, cold Nina Rollins.

BANKY I got this from Nina Rollins, sophomore year. I'm going down on her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her stomach. She does this big ol' pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in half, sends it down my throat. I had to get a crown for the stub.

Oh, but he had her pay for that. He used her guilt to get the maximum amount of oral sex he ever had. He could still feel her golden locks in his hand as he directed her head, could still remember her warm mouth around his dick, blowing him. That was not a good way to keep his mind off Alyssa, since the memory almost makes him come. 

ALYSSA Sophomore year. I'm going down on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after we went club-hopping. I'm totally drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall asleep - right there in her lap. She got so mad, she digs her heel into my back, right there.

Alyssa has better luck with her memory. The sharp pain of Cynthia's high heels stabbing her in the back helps her to regain some control over her sensations and the conversation. Banky's next words shutter her poise again. 

BANKY You see this! (moves neck slightly right) That's the farthest I can move my neck to the right Sophomore year, I'm going out with Maria Bennert, and for six months, I'm going down on her, and not a damn thing's happening. Then one night, I change a position, or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly it's a whole new world. She's moving around, convulsing, breathing heavy. And her legs are pressing against my ears so tightly that I don't hear her father come into the room. He grabs my hair... (grabs his own hair and pulls back) ...and he pulls me way back, hard.

__

*The guy actually knows what he's talking about! How can someone be so rude and so open-minded at the same time? He makes all sort of homophobic jokes, yet he's so in touch with his sexuality... If I met him in high school... Neah!*

She retrieves another painful memory to put an end to this nonsense of a feeling. Banky joins her in a cathartic, purifying laughter. Holden feels excluded from this outburst of joy and pulls Banky away. He had just reached his endurance limit.

~~~~~ In the MTV waiting room ~~~~~ 

Banky fights a grin on his face. Ever since he had that conversation with Alyssa he spends his nights in long erotic dreams about her and every woman he had ever desired. Sometimes he just looks at them, sometimes he joins in, but the outcome is always the same. It's almost better than actually having sex. It's just the pleasure and none of the complications. 

Unfortunately, the evening didn't have the same effect on his friend. Banky felt a bit guilty about that. All he felt for Alyssa was lust, but apparently Holden liked her more than he imagined. Still, he couldn't help enjoying a little that Holden "God's Gift to Women" McNeil didn't get the girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll get to more original bits, promise!


	3. 3

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Kevin Smith, so does some of the plot. 

~~~ Catharsis ~~~

~~~~~~~

Banky was walking up and down the room. Doctor Lipton watched his agitation.

"Well, Doc, where do I start?"

"This is completely up to you, Mr. Edwards"

"That helps a lot!" 

"What prompted you to come?" the doctor decided to give him some help.

"It all began when I was a child" Banky tried to joke. "My mom made me wear a matching tie and slacks everyday. That didn't leave me a fighting chance for normality"

~~~~~~~~~

At the third session

"I told you about Holden" Banky approached the subject. "We've been friends forever. Last year we met this girl" he sighed and paused for a long time. 

Harry Lipton waited patiently. The young man was finally getting to the point. He was one of the most balanced persons he had ever met, but his professional experience told him that people don't come to a therapist if everything was all right. 

"Alyssa" Banky spit the name with difficulty. "She's a cartoonist, too. We met her last year. She was a lesbian"

Harry Lipton congratulated himself. The story was definitely becoming more interesting. 

"She was very up front about this. Too up front for a woman. I should have seen it coming! Anyway, it turns out that she's not totally committed to the cause, so she starts dating Holden. Now, I knew she was wrong for him and I tried to open his eyes. I even found out shit about her that eventually made him see some light about her"

Banky's voice trailed for a moment. He was getting to the hurtful part of the story. Losing the girl… he was used to that. Losing his friend… that felt like a huge personal failure. 

"So I tell him that his dyke was not as men - free as she wanted him to see her. Someone I knew told me he'd been in a threesome with her. And the sweet so-called dyke was the only woman involved. So Holden blows a fuse and has a fight with her…"

"Isn't this what you wanted?" the doctor asks in a mild, comforting tone. 

"Sadly, it didn't stop there. As I told you, Holden is this really nice, really conventional guy. And it's nothing wrong with that. But he realises that her experience will always make him feel inadequate. So he comes up with this idea… this stupid idea which ruined everything!"

Banky doesn't want to relive the scene, but it automatically pops in his head.

__

HOLDEN And when I did some serious soul- searching, it came at me from out of nowhere, and suddenly it all made sense - a calm came over me. I know what we have to do. And then you - Bank, you Alyssa, and I - all of us... can finally be... alright.

ALYSSA (whispers) Please don't say it.

HOLDEN (sits in the chair; takes a while) We've all got to have sex together.

"Holden suggested that the three of us should have sex" it sounds worse aloud than in his flashback. 

The doctor nearly drops his coffee cup. 

"And he tells us a lot of shit, justifying his proposal. One thing stuck with me though…"

Harry watches the young man writhing under the burden of the unsaid words. Minutes later, when he regained control of his voice, Banky quotes from memory Holden's arguments.

__

"You can take that leap that everyone else but you sees that you should take. And it'll be okay, because it'll be with me - your best friend for years. We've been everything to each other but intimates. And now, we'll have been through that together too. And it won't have to be a total leap for you, because a woman will be involved. And when it's over, all that aggression you feel toward Alyssa will be gone."

He hadn't talked to anyone about this ever since it happened. He was unburdening his soul to a stranger. 

"Is that it?" Harry's voice bothers Banky.

Just because he had seen sicker people doesn't give him the right to minimise his problem. Banky reacts to this just as the doctor predicted. He's annoyed by the casual tone. Enough to get out of the state of shame and self loathing. 

"He told me he thought I was gay! He told me everyone thought so! He told me that in front of that slut! Yeah, that's fucking it!"

"First of all, your friend voiced an opinion. Nothing more. He was not the right person to tell you who you are, no matter how long you've known each other. Do you think you're gay?"

"No"

"Then why did it bother you so much?"

"That's what I keep asking myself. Why did I feel so hurt. So ashamed… I'm not homophobic. Live and let live I always say. I make jokes with my friends, but that's all they are, jokes. I don't judge someone's value in respect of their sexual preferences"

"Then why did it bother you?" 

"What if I don't realise it? What if I'm in denial?"

"Denial is not the only psychological mechanism that explains people's reactions, you know! Ever since Hollywood started to give psychological motivations to the characters they produce, everyone thinks they're the reincarnation of Freud. Latent homosexuality is not the only explanation for homophobic behaviour"

"But it is one of the explanations, right?"

"Yes. I'll ask you again. Do **you **think you're gay?"

"No, but…."

"What happened afterwards?"

"After his suggestion?" Banky braced himself. "I said _sure_"

"Why?" 

"I don't know! Because it almost made sense. What if he was right? After all, I wasn't nauseous when he kissed me"

"He kissed you?"

"Yeah. Just before he dropped the bomb. He told us that he finally understood that I was in love with him. When I got up to leave, he kissed me on the lips. I can't say I liked it, I was too surprised, but it didn't disgust me either"

"Are you sure you don't know why you agreed to the threesome?" 

"What? Now you're not so sure I'm not in denial?"

"You're not in denial once you started questioning something. What do you feel about Holden now?" 

"I hated him for a while… I suppose I'm cool with him now. But it will never be the same again"

"Why did you hate him?"

"Because he asked that. And because he almost convinced me to do it. If she hadn't refused… maybe I would've gone all the way"

"How do you feel about her?"

"I still hate her. She destroyed our friendship. I'll never forgive her for it"

"Interesting"

"What is?"

"That you see her to blame for this"

"She's the one that got Holden thinking of stupid shit like that. It's her fault that we're not talking anymore. That I'm alone as a dog"

"How can that be her fault?" 

"What?"

"How can Alyssa be the reason for you being alone? You can always find a new girlfriend, a new friend…"

"I don't want a new friend. My life was very good the way it was. Now I'm, well I'm like everyone else. Our friendship made me feel right. Now I'm out of place. It took me twenty years to reach a level of trust and comfort with Holden. I don't have the patience to go through it again"

"Are you sure that's what you mean?" 

"What else could I mean?"

"When you first mentioned her, you said «**we**»met this girl. At the beginning, when she was a lesbian, you were both talking to her"

"What are you saying? That I did all this because I had the hots for her?"

"Why did you think you needed therapy? What made you come to my office three weeks ago?"

"What kind of a stupid question is this? Because I realised I couldn't handle this shit by myself. And since I don't have Holden to talk to I figured a shrink is the best way"

"Why three weeks ago? Why not three months ago?"

"I donno. Why?"

"You have the answers. That's how it works around here. What happened in your life about a month ago"

"Nothing much. I was working on my new comics. Hanging around with a bunch of people from the paper that publishes it. I went at a Convention"

"What happened at the Convention?"

"I played in Hooper's usual Black Power charade. Signed autographs. Shit like that"

"You didn't run into anyone else from the past?"

"Oh, yeah, the dyke was there. Hardly contained myself from hitting her. God, I hate that bitch"

"Are you sure?" the shrink asked him, carefully.

Banky starred. 

"Yeah" 

His voice did not sound convincing. 


	4. 4

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Kevin Smith. Borrowed a concept from "Clerks". 

They're not really in character. Sorry. 

Banky was walking aimlessly on the Jersey streets, trying to get out of the conversation he had with his Manhattan shrink. He looked around. Everything was familiar, everything cried "home". He belonged there. His Hollywood experience had left him even more aware of this. Tinseltown meant nothing to him. Not sharing all that with Holden made it seem empty, unnecessary, a dead end. 

Alyssa. The name popped in his head again. Alyssa's ghost was present behind all thoughts of Holden, behind any rationalisation. He might have had closure with Holden, but something inside him needed another closure. 

Alyssa. The incarnation of his worst fears and wildest fantasies. Alyssa had broken him, unwillingly, simply passing through his life. 

__

*You're an idiot!* Banky admonished himself. _*How can you feel dumped by her when she didn't even know you existed? She was Holden's big test, his once in a lifetime love!*_

That didn't help. As fiercely as he tried, he couldn't erase her. She was not just Holden's experience. She had meant a lot to him, too. She still meant a lot. A month ago he was feeling sorry for himself, but he was coming to terms with it. And all of a sudden, he was thrown in one of his recurrent nightmares. Alyssa had come to him, as nothing had ever happened between them and just said "Hi!". Of course, she saw him with Hooper and of course Hooper had made fun of his homophobia. But it wasn't funny anymore. Not with her there!

Banky went back to his studio and tried to forget about that. A scrap of paper with Alyssa's number seemed to stare at him from his jacket that was in the other corner of the room. Bluntman and Chronic were greening at him from a poster. The room became crowded with ghosts of his past. Holden's CDs were still piled up next to his video games, since Banky never got around to return them. Hooper's comics gathered dust behind the TV. He was tempted to call her. To try his luck with her. Who knows, maybe with Holden out of the picture she'd give him a second look. Banky shook his head, wishing the temptation away. He knew better than that! She'd never look at him the way he wanted. Holden or no Holden. 

Instead of doing the sensible thing and work on his comic he took out her number. 

__

*What are you thinking? A month passed! She probably doesn't even live there anymore*

But he was still staring at the phone. He jumped when it started ringing. Banky reminded himself he didn't believe in coincidences and picked it up. 

"Yeah?" he inquired, false-indifferent. 

"That's an attractive tone!" Hooper's voice was filtered through a noisy crowd. "Don't tell me, you're alone!"

"No, actually I'm in the middle of an orgy. So are you, by the sound of it"

"Appearances can be deceiving. I'm in a club in town and I sort of need a lift"

"Excuse me? You need rescuing? Whatever happened, my little daisy?"

"Are you coming or not?" Hooper sounded vaguely worried.

"Sure" Banky dropped the joke. "Where are you?" He wrote down the address. "I'll be there as soon as I can"

He had come to terms with his homophobia, but this was ridiculous. He didn't feel like a knight in shining armour. 

~~~~~~

Banky discovered Hooper behind a curtain of smoke. He was afraid he might have to act as his boyfriend or something. Hooper had a gift to get people to believe whatever he was telling them. What story did he invent to explain his presence?

"Banky! Hi! Derrick, Banky!" he made the introductions then he launched the bomb. "He's the good soul who's sharing his home with me for the next couple of days"

Banky took it as part of the character Hooper designed for him that night, but in the car, he learned more. Hooper's apartment was being painted and he had just broken up with his last boyfriend so he was pretty much stranded. Without hesitation, he agreed to let his friend stay as long as he needed. Loneliness was catching up with him. 

~~~~~~~ 

One message on his answering machine. Banky dreaded the idea that Hooper was going to hear his mother's lament about whatever new phobia she had that week. He tried to ignore the message but the blinking was driving him insane. He waited for Hooper to get in the bathroom and he played it. Alyssa's cat-like voice dripped sweetly from the machine. 

__

"Hi! It's Alyssa Jones. I'm staying at a friend's place for a couple of days. Maybe we can get together… Grab lunch…Something…Guess you're not at home. Call me at this number........ Night!"

"Was that miss Idiosyncratic Routine Jones?" Hooper put his head around the bathroom door. "I didn't know you were so chummy"

The young man was staring blankly at the machine. He tried to put things together, but this seemed something out of the Twilight Zone. Alyssa – calling him. That was a contradiction in terms. 

__

*Maybe she wants to talk about Holden. Yeah, probably that's it. What else could it be?*

Apparently Hooper was still talking to him.

"What? … It's in the second drawer"

"So, any comments?" Hooper asked him as he came out of the bathroom in Banky's bathrobe.

"You're sexier than ever. I wanna take you right now!" he said, ironically. 

"However tempting that offer sounds, I was talking about miss Jones"

"Nothing to say. We exchanged numbers at the Convention. That's the first I hear from her"

Hooper was still looking inquisitively at him. One therapy session a day was more than enough. He didn't feel like going into details about his own Alyssa-complex. And to Hooper of all people. 

"What? Nothing else. I'm not a masochistic son of a bitch like Holden"

"Have you talked to him lately?"

"No. I've been busy"

"Riiiight" Hooper looked at him seriously. "You're a nice guy Banky, but you gotta snap out of this sweetie! You've been sulking over Holden and Alyssa for too long. You should call her. Get closure, move on with your life"

That seemed so easy. Banky looked up to his friend, trying to think of something funny and light to say to dispel the sobriety of the atmosphere, but couldn't. He looked like a lost little boy. Hooper felt like ruffling his hair and offering a comforting hug. He refrained from it. He knew that Banky was quick to misinterpret his actions. Brotherly love from a black homosexual who writes about racism. Not exactly the clearest situation. He shrugged his shoulders a little and said goodnight. 

~~~~~~ The next morning ~~~~~~ 

"Orange juice or coffee?" Banky asked him. 

"Are you going to call her?"

"What's it to you?"

"Yeah, I'd like some… Orange juice. Because you should. But it's your life. Nobody can make you take good advice"

"Who died and made you Dr. Ruth?"

The doorbell rang in the middle of Banky's retort. Hooper was enjoying watching him get all worked up about it. Nothing seemed to get to him the past few months. Since he had come back from Hollywood, he wasn't the same old fisty guy he liked taunting.

In the doorway stood his personal Grail. The untouchable Alyssa Jones. Banky froze for a moment. Then he invited her in, anticipating her conclusion about Hooper's presence in his kitchen.

"Hi"

"Hi. Common in. How did you find me?"

"You're in the book"

__

*Of course! Idiot!* "Would you like a cup of coffee?" he added aloud. 

__

*Fuck! Bad timing!* she thought, seeing Hooper. 

Hooper came and hugged her, acting like a flamboyant queen, certain there was no was no way to increase Banky's embarrassment. 

"It's so good to see you, girl! Wish I could stay and chat, but I have a meeting with my agent and I got to get facial first"

__

*It's not what you think* he wanted to explain when Hooper stepped out of the room to get dressed, but the odds were all against her believing him. "It is good to see you" he said, searching his soul for any residual hatred. 

"I meant to call, but I was walking through the neighbourhood and…"

"I'm glad you did" he felt choking when he followed her gaze. _*Holden's CDs. Get a grip! She's not here for you!*_ "Yeah, I didn't manage to… Anyway, how are you?"

Hooper waved goodbye as he left.

"We have to do lunch one of these days" he kissed her on the cheek. 

"I'm… fine. I've been fine. Working on the same old thing. You?"

"Baby Dave is doing very well. The big money is in dick and fart jokes"

"Do I detect some irony in that? You're finally fed up to earn a living drawing?"

"No. I let this anxiety to Holden" 

The name had been mentioned. He figured he'd be the one to do it first. She didn't react as he imagined. She just asked:

"How is he?"

"Okay I guess. He was never really happy doing Bluntman and Chronic"

"I know" she didn't say anything for a while. "I needed to talk to you"

"What happened?" 

"Well, I'm… I just needed to talk. Things don't seem to make sense lately. Do you still hate me?" 

"Are you kidding? I never…" he realised he had no reason to lie. "No. Not as much as I used to" he smiled. "You OK? You seem… Tired?"

"That too. Confused is more likely" Alyssa looked at him. _*What am I doing here? Jeez, he's the last person in the world I should talk to about this. What did I think, coming here? Looks like Holden was right about him, though. My gay radar is so busted!*_ "Let's go for a walk!"

Banky followed her, wondering if he should bring up his pseudo-coming out of the closet. Alyssa looked preoccupied, so he decided to let it drop. He'll have all the time to set her straight about it. It's not like he had any chance to score with her anyway. She wasn't getting to whatever was on her mind, so Banky adopted his funny wise guy persona. She was so amazingly gorgeous! He listened to her laughter and wished all the Cosmopolitan quizzes were right that women did appreciate humour in a guy. He sneered at his ridiculous hope and went on talking about the theory of the innocent bystanders on the second Death Star from Return of the Jedi. 

"I'm pregnant" Alyssa interrupted his analysis. 

"Excuse me?" 

"I don't know if I should keep the child or not. I couldn't talk to my parents. Or to the girls. I'm almost banned from their group anyway"

Banly stared at her. What did she expect from him? An advice? A marriage proposal? Was it Holden't kid? What the hell…

"Well?"

"Well what? Who's is it?"

"That's what you want to know? What difference does it make?" as soon as she asked she understood. "I haven't seen Holden since then. Except that time at the Convention. I just got careless one night"

Over several cups of coffee, Banky got the picture. After the Holden experiment, being a lesbian didn't seem as natural as it once was. 

"… so one night, I was in a bar and this guy came. He reminded me of…" she smothered his name. *_HOLDEN*_

*HOLDEN. He looked like Holden. How could she resist something like that? Just when I stopped hating her* but he didn't hate her. "Do you want to keep the baby?"

"That's the problem. I want a child. But I'm such a mess… I don't know if I should have a child now. But what if I never have one?"


	5. 5

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Kevin Smith.

CHAPTER FIVE 

It took all of Banky's patience to get the whole story out. It was already dark, they were walking in silence. He wanted to invite her in, but Hooper's presence didn't make the best environment to bond with Alyssa. Maybe she should have talked to Hooper. What the hell did he know about these problems? Banky hated the role of a girl's "friend". Particularly this girl's. 

"I was at a Convention in San Francisco. Hooper wasn't booked for that and I was all alone. So, in a bar, a guy's pick-up line didn't sound half bad - or it might've been the tequila shots. He was from Jersey… we talked about comics… he was funny. One thing led to another and I woke up the next day staring at a note on the pillow with his name and phone number"

"If you decide to keep the baby, are you going to tell him?" 

"I didn't think that far. Besides, I don't even know if the mysterious Bruce Brodie left me the right phone number"

"You should tell him. If you"

"**IF I decide to keep the baby. That's the whole problem right now. Should I or shouldn't I?"**

He watched her squirm under the guilt of her not exactly immaculate past. That was the problem actually. Not the timing, not the child's father, not her affiliation to the lesbian community. Alyssa was born and raised catholic and although she had turned her back to some of the concepts for her the mother figure was the Virgin Mary. And she was no Virgin Mary. 

_*She's so beautiful* _

Banky felt useless. He wanted to comfort her, but hugs didn't come naturally to him and he was a complete stranger to this issue. He wasn't really a grown up, so the subject of kids never came up in his life. He wondered if any of his partners had gone through similar situations and just didn't feel like they could talk to him. 

"Do you feel ready to have a child?" he didn't add _*Alone*  _

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess"

They stopped on her doorstep. Banky didn't even think of a goodnight kiss. That's not what a girl's best friend is for. He was resigned with the role.  He just wanted to help her out, to know she was happy. 

"See you tomorrow?"

Alyssa smiled and kissed him on the cheek, whispering "Thank you".

~~~~~ 

In his apartment, Banky didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. But sharing his thoughts and torments with Hooper was somewhat worse. So instead of sinking into silence he talked the whole evening, not giving his friend a chance to bring up the subject. Hooper gave in, both bored with the endless chatter and kind enough to allow Banky his privacy.

Around two in the morning, the phone ring woke up Hooper. 

_*You're a naughty one, Miss Jones* he smiled and went back to sleep._

~~~~~

Hooper's supposition was correct. 

"Hi! Sorry to wake you up"

This time, Banky wasn't surprised to hear her voice. He had been laying awake in his bed, thinking about her and her problem, mainly about her. 

"I wasn't sleeping"

She sighed. Banky imagined how desperate, how lost she must have felt if the only person she could call was him. 

"How are you?" he asked, feeling sorry for her almost as much as he was feeling sorry for himself.

Only the will power stopped another sigh. She was lost. She was alone in her apartment. Reaching out through the phone for some human contact. Banky seemed so close and comfortable, yet she had been instinctively afraid of him. She had lied to him about staying at a friend's place, trying to keep him at a safe distance. He was the only one in the world who wasn't going to judge her, but she didn't feel strong enough to risk allowing him to get close. If she had known about his coming out of the closet… Oddly, this thought upset her. He wasn't supposed to be gay. Alyssa pushed away the unpleasant sensation of disappointment. Of all people, she didn't have any right to feel disappointed about that. For crying out loud, she might even have a part in the process!

"Hunky-dory!" she answered.

"Great. Do we go shopping for baby clothes tomorrow?"

"Either that or an appointment at the… dentist"

"Oh"

"You're so articulate" she smiled, behind the tears. 

"I'm not all that good in Hallmark moments" he coughed.

"I know. Just needed someone to talk"

_*Why me?*_

"You sure you don't mind this? I mean if you wanna go to sleep…"

"No. It's OK. Really" he hurriedly reassured her. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything else. About you. Us…"

_*What us? You mean you, me and Holden us?*  he cried out inside. "I'm an open book. Baby Dave is just my inner child." __*I said **child**. She didn't want to talk about this! Stupid!*_

"I'm so sorry for what happened. I figured you and Holden got back together." _*I shouldn't've said that! He doesn't want to talk about being gay!*_

"Well… our friendship was pretty much dead when you made your exit from our lives."

"Sorry."

"That's the way things go… It was probably in the cards."

"So you haven't seen him since?"

"No. We were very different. It's a miracle our friendship lasted so long. Childhood friends are usually forgotten when you hit high school. For us, growing up was the deal breaker."

*Why did I have to mention Holden? I probably cost him the love of his life… Why is he even talking to me?!? He's right, though. We have to talk about this. It's what brought us together and torn us apart. I wonder why don't I miss Holden more? He did change my life…*

"I'm not overjoyed with the way my life is going right now, but I came to terms with it." *I just told her I'm gay what's wrong with me?*

"There is no point in fighting the inevitable" *He is gay* 

"I'm not great company tonight. Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Cheering up people used to be my speciality."

"It's not why I called you"

"Why did you call me?"

"I don't know… You are… you've always been so…open. Even in your disapproval."

"That's me!" he grinned. "Bluntman"

She laughed and Banky felt proud he could do that for her. Even for a second, she was less miserable. She was less Holden's. 

"See you tomorrow" she said laughing. 

"Where?"

"At the mall. Ten OK?"

"Sure. Tomorrow."

"Good night"

"Good night" he waited to hear her hanging up to add softly "Alyssa"

~~~~~~~~~

Alyssa slept soundly that night. The only eerie thing was her anticipation to wake up next to Banky in the morning. But in the cruel morning light she was alone. The panic threatened to take over this once fearless woman. She tried to imagine the little life growing inside her, tried to picture the best future she could offer to her child, but this brought her to the brink of tears. Something was still missing. Life is hard enough as it is; she figured her child deserved a decent start. Silently, she took the decision.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A/N

My point of view - my wishful thinking POV - is that from the very beginning, Alyssa was attracted to Banky. He was more in her league, but she pushed him away. Hanging around with Holden, a male stereotype, felt less dangerous. Holden was charming enough to tempt her, but a relationship between them was doomed from the start. Opposites attract, but they seldom lead to long-term relationships. That's why she was attracted to Bruce Brodie. He was funny and he had something of Holden as personality, but he was Banky's clone. Alyssa hadn't understood her feelings for Banky, so she explained the attraction in view of her Holden experience. She was attracted to Brodie because he reminded her, subconsciously, of Banky. 


End file.
